


Unsinkable

by paragraph (ebcdic)



Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Artists, Alternate Universe - Retail, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Craigslist, Dubiously Consensual Blow Jobs, F/M, Getting Together, Growing Up, HIV/AIDS, M/M, Masturbation, Mentions of Cancer, Roommates, Secret Admirer, Secrets, Smoking, Unsafe Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-21
Updated: 2015-03-21
Packaged: 2018-03-18 23:36:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3588147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ebcdic/pseuds/paragraph
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Unambitious, immature Chad finds love in a video store and is forced to figure out what this being adult thing is all about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unsinkable

Chad likes his job with the exception of his boss, the customers, and having to work every weekend and holiday known to man. On the plus side, he gets free movie rentals, advanced copies of all the new releases, and all the candy he can eat. His favorites are the licorice ropes which he uses in place of the ridiculous bow tie that's part of the uniform. Seriously, tuxedo shirts were not meant to be worn more than once; the one he's got on now has pit stains the size of Montana and safety pins instead of buttons. His cummerbund has been stretched to hell and hangs off his hips like some kind of girly sash and his dress shoes could probably do with a shine or twenty.

It's all good though because the new kid has got the register so Chad can hide behind a stack of boxes and play with the shrink wrap gun and stick magnetic tape on each of the billion copies of _Titanic_ that came in the day before. He sat through that movie with Sophia and felt like he had to piss the whole time. It was pure torture and she broke up with him a week later; possibly because she caught Chad giving the captain of the basketball team a helping hand, so to speak, in the coat closet at the winter formal.

Really, it was a shitty thing to do but it's not like his bisexuality wasn't completely obvious. What completely heterosexual guy wears skintight clothes, knows boy band songs by heart, and loves flavored lip gloss? Not any straight guys he knows. Well, Jared drools over every pair of tits that walks in the place, but always shows up for work with pink-tinted sunglasses on and religiously re-applies Dr Pepper-flavored lip gloss so maybe he's wrong about that.

**

When Chad gets home, Chris and Steve are making out on the couch, which just depresses the hell out of him. He flops down in the armchair and flips the channel from CMT to CNN because he likes to watch the anchors try to stretch out things to fill the twenty-four hours. Of course, Chris reaches over and smacks his arm.

"Hey, we were watching that!"

"Dude." Chad wrinkles his nose as Steve sticks his hand down Chris' pants. "Get a room."

Chris kind of half grumbles and half moans all the way down the hall and Chad sighs. He seriously needs to get laid. Also, he thinks as he hears Steve moaning, probably move out. It's completely unfair that his roommates had to go and fall in love and want to fuck like bunnies all over the place. Chad really doesn't think he can ever use the section of counter next to the fridge ever again after walking in one morning to find Steve trying to fuck Chris through it.

He should probably rule out the couch, too.

**

Mondays are boring at work because everyone already rented something on the weekend and the new releases don't come out until Tuesday. Technically, Chad should be dusting shelves or doing inventory in the backroom, but Jared is on this shift so instead they're using the vacuum cleaner's cord to play tug of war. It's really juvenile but Jared brings out the dorky kid in him so they always spend their shifts doing shit like this.

Jared winds up dragging him across half the floor because he's inhumanly strong. He's also kind of inhumanly pretty and very, very taken by some college girl. Who lives in Connecticut or something but that's where Jared is headed now that he's graduated from high school and saved up money working in this dump, so it must be serious. What else in that state could possibly entice someone to live there since it's really just a giant suburb of New York?

So he's lying there on the floor with rug burns on his ass when the UPS guy strolls in. The store's normal UPS guy is actually a girl named Katie, who usually drags Chad into the bathroom for some mid-day oral sex while Jared watches _Hercules_ for the ten millionth time. Therefore, Chad's reaction to the guy is completely acceptable.

"Who the fuck are you?"

"I have a package for Mr. Chad Michael Murray?"

It's like he didn't even hear Chad, which is probably for the best. But a package for him? All the packages are addressed to the store because they belong to the store. Chad heaves himself off the floor and signs for the thing. UPS dude puts the package on the counter and leaves without saying a word.

"What is it?" Jared asks.

Jared is practically jumping up and down like an over-eager puppy and Chad shoves him away lightly. Chad grabs a box cutter from one of the drawers and rips the thing open to find approximately a billion licorice ropes.

He opens the envelope inside and finds a scrap of paper with one sentence written on it in block print.

_Sometimes I think about kissing you until your lips are just as red._

"Chad has a secret admirer," Jared sing-songs before wandering off to put away returns.

This is entirely unexpected.

**

Katie is back the next day but Chad begs off from the usual mid-day festivities, claiming he has a headache. Of course, Katie arches an eyebrow at him because what male ever turns down sex but, really, he thinks that stereotype is lame. Besides, it's not like she can't get some from the fry cook at McDonald's or that crazy guy at the Laundromat.

"Since when do you turn down sex?" Jared asks after Katie leaves.

Chad takes a thoughtful bite of the licorice rope provided via UPS and then sticks his tongue out at Jared, masticated candy and all. "Don't you have customers to deal with or something?"

Jared waves his hand at the empty store. "Not so much, you disgusting pig."

"So." Chad pauses to swallow and change the subject. "When's your last day?"

"Saturday. I want to be in Connecticut before Labor Day."

"That's like less than a week." Chad punches Jared in the shoulder. "Why didn't you say something?"

"Dude," Jared laughs and rubs his shoulder. "It's only been on the board in the office for like a month."

"You know I don't look at that. I mean, what is with all the fucking motivational shit on that thing? The Boss does realize we work at a video store and not like at a real job, right?"

"Uh, right." Jared scratches the back of his neck. "So if you feel that way, why do you still work here?"

Chad kind of blanks out because he really doesn't have an answer to that. Finally, he shakes his head and grins. "You just don't want to be here when _Titanic_ releases."

"Yeah," Jared says dryly. "That's it."

**

Sophia is supposed to relieve Chad but she calls off sick and Chad can't get anyone on the phone except for the new kid because the rest of his co-workers are assholes who don't care that he's already worked ten fucking hours. Of course, Chad can't just leave the kid by himself because he doesn't even know how to scan coupons yet much less close out for the night.

So he's stuck working a double with the new kid and Danneel, who spends most of her shift reading _People_ and filing her nails, so she's pretty much useless. Chad wants to curl up behind the counter and die but customers keep coming in. It's Wednesday. His life no longer makes any sense.

Finally, he gets Sam on the phone, but she's working her other job at the grocery store so that doesn't do him any good, and he really kind of wants to slam the phone against the wall when she laughs at him. He keeps hitting redial for Tom but gets a busy signal every time, which means he's probably on-line playing some stupid video game with Mike, which explains why Chad can't get a hold of him either.

Completely defeated, he makes up some excuse about having to do something in the back office but kicks back in the swivel chair and takes a nap instead.

It's not a long nap because the new kid knocks on the door in some kind of panic over an irate customer. Chad gives the dude whatever he wants because he doesn't want to have to listen to anymore bullshit today. Danneel just stands there the whole time pretending to do work and Chad wishes he could fire her but The Boss would probably fire him in return.

Or try to motivate him to death.

**

Thursday is Chad's day off and he spends most of it trying to sleep. Though Chris and Steve are holding auditions for a drummer in their living room, so it's not like that's working. After an hour of rim shots, he gives up and goes to McDonald's, where he orders coffee and fries and reads the paper to see if he can find new roommates.

Most of the ads are looking for students, which Chad is not, and the rest kind of sound like psychos, but there's a painter looking to share a loft. Chad's pretty sure that's got to be quieter than musicians, so he goes to the payphone and calls the number. The voice sounds kind of familiar but he can't place it so he shrugs it off and agrees to stop by the place.

When he gets there, he's greeted by the new kid from the video store who is covered in paint splotches. There's a bright green one on his cheek that kind of matches his eyes. Which are very, very pretty and why has that escaped his notice until now?

"Chad?"

"Yeah. So you're looking for a roommate?"

"Right, umm." He waves Chad inside. "Come in."

The loft is really huge and the first floor is basically covered in stacks of canvasses and other art supplies. Chad really has to wonder how this kid is affording something like this because the rent has got to be astronomical.

"Okay, here's the thing," the kid says. "We don't have to pay rent but I need to split the utilities with someone because, no offense, but I really don't want to have to work at that video store more than I have to, and so if you're cool with navigating my art stuff then you can have the loft part up there."

He waves up toward a platform while Chad tries to decipher the run-on sentence. It'll be kind of weird seeing the guy here and at work, but it's got to be cheaper and less traumatizing than living with Chris and Steve.

"Yeah, cool. When can I move in?"

"Tomorrow?" The kid sounds surprised and delighted all at once.

"Awesome."

Chad should probably learn the kid's name now. Maybe.

**

At work, Chad picks the lock on the Boss' filling cabinet and pulls out the kid's file. The kid is actually older than him and named Jensen. He's working on a Bachelor of Fine Arts and his previous jobs include, but are not limited to: dog walker, receptionist, mailroom clerk, bus boy, and cashier at a gas station. The Boss has something scribbled in the margins about the hiring interview, but Chad can only make out every other letter so he gives up.

Instead he calls up Jared and makes him help move his stuff to the new place as a goodbye gift. Jared gets kind of emotional about it because apparently he is a little gay after all. Over beer neither of them are the legal age to consume, Chad finally realizes that his best friend is really leaving. Like going away to fucking Yale, where he's going to wind up in some douchebag fraternity and get a degree in business and marry Sandy, and he'll never see him again because why would someone with a future want to admit to even knowing him?

Drinking apparently makes him maudlin.

**

Jensen mainlines coffee and leaves the empty mugs all over the place, including on Chad's bed. He also chain-smokes on the fire escape, which is right outside the window behind Chad's bed, and leaves splotches of paint all over the place, again, including Chad's bed. But he also leaves leftovers in the fridge with cute little Post-Its on them so all of that is probably forgivable.

_Eat me, Chad._

They don't really talk other than to remind one another that the phone bill is due or to ask if they need more cereal when they go grocery shopping, simple stuff like that. Sometimes Jensen will ask him a random question like, "Do you think serenity would be expressed as more of a blue or a purple?" or Chad will bitch about Sophia's obsession with putting in _The Little Mermaid_ at work. But mostly they just kind of chill.

It's strangely intimate and it makes Chad feel all domesticated without the benefit of regularly getting laid. The fact that he's almost okay with that scares the shit out of him.

**

On another dead Monday, he gets another package from his secret admirer. This time it's an entire box full of blue M&Ms and the note says:

_Sometimes I look in your eyes and I just want to melt._

Chad isn't entirely sure whether he should eat the candy or not because maybe this person is a total psycho, so he leaves it out for his co-workers but keeps the note. When he gets home, he puts it in the same envelope as the other one and then helps Jensen wash the dishes.

**

It's pretty pathetic but Chad hasn't gotten laid in months. Even worse, he decides to break his dry streak by going to one of Mike's parties, where he winds up having sex with some random dude in the bathroom. The guy is in the middle of coming all over Chad's back when the door opens suddenly, revealing Jensen. It's ten kinds of awkward because the dude is still whacking it and grunting with his eyes closed and there's come dripping down Chad's ass and thighs, and Jensen is kind of frozen like a statue, eyes locked with Chad's in almost horror.

"What the fuck?"

The dude's exclamation snaps both of them out of it and Chad drags up his pants while Jensen turns and flees. Chad isn't sure why he chases after Jensen, but he does, his pants hanging half-open at the fly and every step reminding him that it's been awhile because his ass is super-sore. Jensen makes it all the way down the block before Chad catches up to him. They stand there under the streetlight and just catch their breath and stare at each other.

"Is it the gay thing?" Chad finally manages to wheeze out.

Jensen surprises him completely when he laughs. "Definitely not."

"Then why did you run? I mean, I know it's kind of awkward…"

"Yeah, I don't know." Jensen runs a hand through his hair and stares at the ground. "I know, I mean, I've heard that you fuck around but I've never witnessed it, so."

Chad isn't sure what to say. Is he supposed to apologize? Explain that he always has safe sex?

Instead he says, "Okay. I need a shower, so…"

And then he walks away back to the loft alone.

**

Things do not get any less awkward between them over the next couple of days. It's like their whole routine has been shunted and replaced with a comedy of errors. Chad forgets to tell Jensen they need milk and then gets to watch Jensen give him a death glare while they eat toast instead of cereal. Jensen demands Chad's half of the electric bill early, so Chad winds up bouncing a check to the gas company, so then they're stuck with no stove for like two days while Chad spends twenty bucks worth of quarters at the pay phone down the street trying to straighten it all out.

Meanwhile, he gets a bag of green sour gummy bears and a note that says:

_And then sometimes you drive me crazy but I still can't look away._

He really doesn't think his admirer is so secret anymore, but he's going to be nice and go along with it.

**

Chad uses the phone in the office -because this is totally an emergency- to explain the whole thing to Jared, who makes little listening noises or possibly sex noises. Really, he doesn't want to know.

When he finishes, Jared laughs. "If you know who he is then why don't you just do something about it, you pussy?"

"You're no help, Padawhatever."

He hangs up on Jared and then bangs his head on the desk. Who knew that having a secret admirer would be so difficult?

**

"Smoking kills."

Jensen freezes, cigarette hanging out of his mouth and Chad takes the opportunity to climb out onto the fire escape next to him. He snatches the cigarette away and tosses it down into the alley below, which is when Jensen snaps out of it and growls a little. It's kind of sexy.

They sit there in silence watching the sky slowly darken. It's not as awkward as it probably should be. Maybe Chad doesn't notice because he spends most of it trying to work up his nerve.

"I know you're the guy who sends me candy."

Jensen sucks in a deep breath like Chad punched him. "I can't do this."

He turns and climbs back in the window and is already out the front door by the time Chad snaps out of it enough to go after him. Of course, by the time he's on the street, Jensen is nowhere to be seen, so Chad just heads back inside and curls up on the couch to wait.

**

A week goes by and Jensen doesn't return, doesn't even show up for work. Chad is thinking maybe he should file a missing person's report or something, except that art supplies keep disappearing from the loft so Jensen must be around, just not when Chad is home. So Chad leaves a Post-It on the front door before he leaves for work.

_You're an idiot._

When he comes home, it's gone and replaced with Reese's Pieces stuck up with duct tape. Chad isn't entirely sure what that means but he eats them for dinner anyway.

**

For a whole week they have conversations via Post-It notes stuck to the door.

_Would you just come home already?_

_Give me some time._

_Don't make me say it._

_Say what?_

_I miss you, okay? I fucking miss you and I hate this. Quit being such a damn coward and come home. Please?_

After that, he doesn't get a response, which makes him think he misread the entire thing. He calls off sick three days in a row even though The Boss gives him some story about how he worked through the plague or something, so Chad should be able to manage with a cold. Chad isn't even sick, but he coughs until The Boss hangs up on him.

Sophia and Danneel surprise him by showing up with soup and baked goods. He hasn't taken down the last Post-It yet so of course they see it.

"I didn't know you were gay," Danneel says as she brushes by him, arms laden with Tupperware.

"Are you kidding me?" Sophia snorts, following after her. "It's completely obvious."

"Hey, bisexual over here!" Chad protests as he shuts the door instead of arguing with Sophia. "I sleep with girls!"

"But you fall in love with guys," Sophia says, arching a perfect eyebrow.

"Shut up," Chad mutters.

"He's blushing!" Danneel coos.

"You're pathetic," Sophia says to him, but she almost sounds sympathetic.

It just makes Chad feel worse.

**

Chad goes to sleep after the girls leave and wakes up to find Jensen sitting at the end of his bed. He blinks a couple of times because maybe he's progressed past depression and into hallucinations. But Jensen is still there, picking at the comforter. They stare at each other for a long moment and Chad doesn't even know what to say but he's kind of torn between punching Jensen and tackling him to the bed.

"So I'm kind of messed-up," Jensen finally says after clearing his throat.

"I kind of love you anyway," Chad blurts out.

Jensen grins. "Only kind of?"

"Well, I also kind of hate you," Chad pouts, fighting back a blush.

"I get that a lot," Jensen says as he crawls up the bed until he's lying next to Chad.

He turns and leans up on his elbow, hovering a bit over Chad. Chad's breath gets caught in his throat and his body is thrumming with anticipation. Jensen's lips just brush his, but it's like the best thing ever and Chad surges up to kiss him back. Usually, Chad rushes through this part to get to the main event, but with Jensen, he takes his time.

Jensen licks Chad's lower lip and Chad opens his mouth, lets Jensen's tongue slide against his, caressing and twisting until Chad can barely breathe. He pulls back a bit and Jensen kisses the corner of his mouth, along his jaw and down his neck, sucking lightly where it meets his shoulder while Chad slides his hands under Jensen's shirt, feeling warm skin and hard muscle. His fingers brush Jensen's nipples and Jensen moans against his shoulder.

"I want…" Jensen pants before he takes Chad's mouth again, his fingers tugging at the waistband of Chad's boxers.

"Yeah," Chad manages kind of breathlessly.

He's completely naked after Jensen slowly pulls his boxers off and throws them across the room. Jensen is completely dressed and it's kind of hot and unfair at the same time. Chad tugs at Jensen's belt buckle but Jensen bats his hand away.

"Let me take care of you," he murmurs as he runs a hand down Chad's flank.

Chad whimpers, which Jensen takes as a yes, which is good because Chad doesn't think he can manage much more than that. Not when Jensen is flicking his tongue over Chad's right nipple while his hands seem to be everywhere all at once. He moves to the left one while his fingers rake down Chad's stomach and Chad moans so loud he's sure people three blocks over heard him.

Jensen growls low in his throat at that and nips his way down Chad's chest and stomach, his fingers digging hard into Chad's hips. When his tongue touches the tip of Chad's cock, it's like being electrified and the feeling just gets more intense as Jensen slowly engulfs him. It's better than anything he's ever had, and not just because of the obvious skills behind every swipe of tongue, but because Jensen stares at him so intently, like if he could swallow Chad whole, down to the last shred of flesh and bone, he would.

He doesn't last long, not with those kitten-like swipes to the head of his cock followed by getting deep-throated. Not with Jensen eating him alive with this eyes while his hands press bruises into Chad's hips. Chad lets go, his back arching slightly off the bed as he comes, the orgasm stretching out, running through every inch of his body until he's wrung out and shaking. He's panting for breath while Jensen nuzzles his hip and if he could move any part of his body, Chad would totally repay the favor.

His fingers twitch, reaching for Jensen, but Jensen just kisses the scar on his stomach and then shakes his head. "Just rest, okay?"

Chad really does try to make some kind of protest before he crashes into sleep.

**

"There are other things you don't know about me," Jensen says in greeting when Chad finally hauls himself out of bed and into the kitchen.

"Yeah?" Chad asks through a yawn as he opens the fridge looking for something edible.

"Chad."

Jensen grabs his arm and pushes him against the counter. Chad blinks a couple of times until Jensen's face comes into focus. He's got this very serious expression on his face but there's a hint of sadness and vulnerability in his eyes.

"Tell me," Chad whispers.

"There's a reason why I didn't let you touch me," Jensen murmurs. "Why you can't touch me."

Chad's not quite awake enough for cryptic. "C'mon, just tell me. It won't change anything."

It almost looks like Jensen's trying not to laugh. Or maybe cry. "It'll change everything."

"I don't believe that," Chad says softly as he reaches out to run his fingers along Jensen's jaw.

"I don't even…" Jensen rests his forehead against' Chad's shoulder. "I've never told anyone."

Chad kisses Jensen's temple, runs his hands up and down his back soothingly. "I'd like to think I'm more than just anyone."

"Yeah, that's the problem," Jensen says, his voice rough like he's holding back tears. He lifts his head and meets Chad's eyes. "I'm HIV positive, Chad."

The words rush into Chad like a freight train, crushing his lungs until he's gasping for breath. A tangle of emotions race through is heart, but he doesn't push Jensen away. His mind stalls and then kick-starts again, but he hasn't stopped rubbing Jensen's back, kissing his neck, his jaw, the salty taste of tears coating his lips. He doesn't realize that he's crying too until Jensen swipes a thumb under his eye, brushing the moisture away.

"You're sure?" Chad manages to ask.

"Yes."

"You're taking meds?"

"Yes."

Chad nods, kisses the corner of Jensen's mouth. He thinks for a second that it's not fair that Jensen sent the candy and notes, let Chad move into his house and his heart without full disclosure. He imagines Jensen getting sicker, imagines have to watch. Even worse, imagines Jensen going through it alone. It may not be fair, but he can't walk away.

"Okay, okay," Chad whispers, mostly to himself.

He cups Jensen's face and kisses him softly, tasting salt and the bitterness of coffee. Jensen lets out a choked sob and buries his face against Chad's neck. They stand there, Jensen crying his heart out against Chad's shirt and Chad rubbing his back, murmuring soothing nonsense while his own tears drip down onto Jensen's neck until the doorbell rings. It startles both of them, but they don't break apart. Chad kisses Jensen's jaw and then gently steers him toward the dinette before going to find out who's out there.

It's Katie with a package from the art supply company for Jensen, and Chad just kind of wants to laugh hysterically at the reminder of his somewhat carefree past, but he doesn't.

**

Chad goes back to work the next day. It's a Monday, so the store is practically empty, and he takes advantage of that and the office phone. Jared is probably in class or fucking Sandy or eating ivy or something, but Chad calls him anyway. When he gets the answering machine, Chad almost hangs up. Instead, he just starts babbling, words flowing out like something burst inside of him.

"Hey, it's me. Chad. You're probably doing some lame college thing and I don't even know why I'm calling you except that I really don't know who else to talk to about this stuff. Relationship stuff. Jensen and I, we're… I don't even know. Living together? No, it's more than that now but you wouldn't believe me if I told you. I feel like such a damn pussy because it's fucked up to want to stay with him, right? He lied to me. Well, not really, lie of omission but it's a fucking big omission. It's too late though because I think I… no, I know I… I love him. Don't laugh. Fuck, I've got to go prep for new releases tonight. Bet you're glad to be done with that, huh? Bitch."

There's yet another new guy ringing up customers. Misha something. He'll probably be gone in two weeks so Chad doesn't make nice. For most people, this place is a pit stop on the way to something better, but not for Chad. This is it. He has no ambitions, no real future. It's not much of a comfort to think that someone has to work this job, just like someone has to be a janitor or a garbage man or a gastroenterologist.

He picks up the phone and dials half of his dad's number before he hangs up. His dad is probably at work anyway and Chad can't just dump all of this on him. He's the one who wanted to be a man, get out on his own after high school. That's what he told his dad anyway. The whole 'oh I might be gay and it would be awkward to bring guys home to fuck' was kind of left out of the discussion. Now he's thinking he probably should've covered that somewhere between reminding his dad that he's an adult and getting a lecture on fiscal responsibility.

Yeah, probably.

**

The sun is slowly sinking, disappearing behind high-rises when Chad climbs out onto the fire escape. Jensen is sketching something with thick, heavy strokes, a cigarette dangling precariously from his lips. Chad reaches out for it, tosses it down into the alley below; it was a habit even before he knew Jensen's secret. Jensen grunts in annoyance but doesn't look up from his work. It's a rat eating garbage. Sometimes, Chad doesn't understand Jensen's inspiration.

"Listen, it's bad enough…" Chad trails off, shakes his head. "I won't lose you to lung cancer, okay?"

Jensen finally looks up, his eyes narrowed into slits. "Chad. Everything's been taken away already, I'm already stripped to the bone."

"You have me. You have your art," Chad says softly as he leans in to nuzzle Jensen's neck.

"Yeah." Jensen takes a deep breath. "I'll try, okay?"

Chad just nods, rests his head on Jensen's shoulder until the sun is completely gone.

**

At night, they curl up in Chad's bed, Jensen wrapped around Chad like a heavy blanket. It's getting colder out and the loft never really heats up. Chad buys a down comforter to replace the raggedy thing he dragged from Chris and Steve's place. It's evergreen and Jensen looks sinful when he lies on top of it, pale skin, freckles appearing like stars at night, eyes ablaze with hunger until they're nearly florescent.

This is how they make love. Touching with eyes only, Jensen panting, his skin glowing with a thin sheen of sweat as he touches himself, says dirty things, things they can never do, while Chad kneels over his thighs, jacking off slowly, wondering why they can't touch like that first night, why it's different now.

Jensen always keens out his name like it's breaking him to say it and Chad comes with a choked-back sob every time.

It's hard, harder than anything Chad's ever done, not to be able to let Jensen sink inside him, fill him up, to ride his cock until neither of them can stand it. He wants to express his passion, his love, but settles for this. Not because he's afraid of contracting anything, but because he knows Jensen couldn't handle it if he did.

**

They've been together for three months when Jared comes home for Thanksgiving. Chad never did spill the whole truth to him all those times he borrowed the office phone, but Jared knows something's off. Every worried glance he throws Chad's way during dinner at the Padalecki's makes that clear. Chad just smiles, rests his hand on Jensen's thigh, eats his turkey, makes small talk with the whole boisterous clan of Jared's family.

Sandy is talking about her Sociology professor and what a cold bastard he is for someone who's supposed to be interested in people. Jared waves his hands, talks about some project he's going to be working on in the Spring, how it's the opportunity of a lifetime. Someone is saying pass the mashed potatoes and Jensen is picking at his peas. Chad tries to be the guy they're used to, but he can't when he just wants to take Jensen home, wrap him up and never leave again.

After dinner, Jensen volunteers to help with the dishes and Jared grabs two beers before pulling Chad outside onto the back deck. It's freezing, but he drinks the cold beer anyway just to avoid talking.

"What's going on, Chad?"

"I can't really talk about it. It's not my secret to tell," Chad mutters, staring down at the brown, muddy lawn.

"Are you happy?"

It's such a sappy, dorky Jared question and Chad laughs. Jared shoves him a bit, a grin fighting its way onto his face as Chad tries to shove him back.

"Yeah, yeah I am," Chad answers once they've calmed down.

Jared nods and then when Sandy calls for him, he shrugs like 'what can you do?' before walking back inside. Chad stays out there and finishes his beer. Jensen slides up behind him a few minutes later, kisses behind his ear as his arms wrap around Chad's waist.

"I have dishpan hands," Jensen whispers. "You so owe me."

Chad rests his hands over Jensen's. "My love and adoration isn't enough?"

Jensen huffs a laugh into Chad's neck. "You still make me melt, you know that?"

"I still kind of hate you," Chad mutters before he turns around to kiss Jensen.

So his life isn't perfect, but at least he's still afloat.

**


End file.
